Up for a yearly upgrade

Just a few more days to go and I’ll be turning a year older. As the usual process goes on this blog (that I have no intention doing), a full emotional re-assessment happens.

Previous years would show me having the blues days before my birthday. Also, I wouldn’t have much fascination or excitement over it as I tend to mope over a corner and get on with my life despite the hyper attitude everyone else has for me.

I had been a cynic for the longest time. I don’t believe much on happy endings. I sometimes resent them as I seem to live a lot of my times on sadness and contentment rather than on glee and adventures. My parent’s separation, my dad’s health, my career path unknown, my finances unstable, and I’m not growing a year younger. I tried to live each day as I can, fighting, and at the same time going with the flow, a contrast of sorts. It’s an emotional fight I had been fighting on my own as long as I can remember.

I would think of moping again in a corner, sipping a coffee and burying my nose in a good book to get away from my boring reality.

But I know things have changed. Not altogether but it has for the better.

I don’t know where my mom is right now but I feel she is fine. She has been a strong woman and I know that though she may be far from us, at long last she is given the chance to be herself and not be tied with continous fights with my dad. And in truth, it has been quieter and busier around the house.

The heaps of responsibility (as expected from the eldest child) falls on my shoulder. I feel a bit chained to the house as I am aware of the responsbility befallen on me as a daughter and sister to my father and sibling. I may not be able to fully help them financially, at least I could take care of their needs around the house with countless chores and assessment of our needs as a family.

It is at this time I learn to take care of the house, to place everything in order and be responsible to an abode. I somehow take it as a blessing so when the time comes for me to be independent, it wouldn’t be too hard a transition.

This year had started on a good start for my career. I found my place in my current company. Even when I have a long way to go to reach a certain level of stability, I find myself working hard (and happily) with my co-workers to improve my skills and my knowledge on my chosen profession. I haven’t felt this way for a long time. I haven’t had this so much knowledge I enjoy learning and having so much ideas running in my head all the time.

The best thing that happened to be this year, is having my first boyfriend. Yes, I am a late bloomer for having my first relationship at my mid-20s. I never expected to be in a relationship. Everyone who knows me well knew I had proclaimed myself to be a hermit for as long as I can remember. I seriously believed I will be single forever, that I will live alone and die alone. I had psyched myself that from my background and tons of insecurities weighing down on me day after day, I’d rather survive life on my own and not let anyone get too close to me to be marred by my issues.

He came along at the least expected time. He came at a time when life became too redundant for me. Day after day, I had the constant battle between ending my life in one way or another and staying alive to make the most of my boring life.

I don’t know how it came for me to trust him. When he was still courting me, I made actions so he would be turned off by me. I snubbed at him, acted childish, had been a crybaby, but the last I did was to tell him everything about my background, my fears and insecurities, everything…

And he didn’t leave. It was my last move and he didn’t even budge an inch away. Then, I knew, he has to be the greatest gift I ever had. Probably the only one who will accept me for who and what I am. He will be the one to protect and treasure me and to carry me when I’m down. I realize how much I trust him to be beside me and for him I try my best to change for the better. He is the greatest gift.

And when I found out that I am the ‘one’ for him, well, I wish with all my heart it does happen, because I found security in this world after all, and I started seeing that with him.

This year started out different compared to before. At most, things are better now. I hope this year will be the start of better years to come, till the end of my life. With my family, friend and my special love one. ^^

I say, it is quite something to be so emotional at 12:42am. I’m beginning to feel contentment in my life and I want to let it out. *raises imaginary glass* A toast for my upcoming birthay, and for better birthdays to come. Cheers!

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